From the Pastor

Divorce - Oct. 2006

This morning's sermon is on the subject of divorce. Divorce is incredibly pervasive in our society today and it's a problem that Christians are in no way immune from. In fact, it's a crisis that cuts directly to the heart of our spiritual life. Think about all the feelings that are caused by divorce: guilt, failure, grief, anger, loneliness, hopelessness—just to name a few. How do we respond to this crisis as the church of Jesus Christ ? Unfortunately, in too many churches the answer has been to look the other way and ignore it. That's wrong. We simply can't do that. We must address it. But, even if we admit that, how do we do it? How do we respond to the reality of divorce? There are several options we could choose. We could look to prevailing public opinion. We could look at what the laws of our nation say. We could search our own personal feelings on the subject. But, I would suggest to you that none of these is the best place for us to look for answers to this crisis. As Christians we are bound by something greater than ourselves, or public opinion, or even the laws of our land, and that's the word of our loving and gracious God. I'd like to look at this hot topic from that point of view today.

So, what does God say about divorce in His Word—the Bible? Well, here are a few critical verses to ponder. Let's look at the first one: Malachi 2:16, "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel ." That's a pretty clear and bold statement, isn't it? Now, I imagine that's not really a surprise to any of you here today. It's probably what you expected to hear. But what I think is important to note is that God gives no exceptions. Notice He doesn't say "I hate divorces where people have committed this or that sin." He doesn't say, "I hate divorces where people are mean and nasty to each other." There really is no such thing as a "God-pleasing divorce." Marriage, in every case, is to be a life-long union. And, as Jesus would say later, God's opinion is that, "What God has joined together, let no man separate."

Of course, our world is full of sin and as a result, what God joins together, man often does separate. It's actually quite an ancient problem. We often think of divorce as a recent phenomenon. It's not at all. Look at the next verse: Deuteronomy 24:1: "If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house." Even here, in only the fifth book of the Bible we see Moses giving instructions about divorce. And if you think about that, that's kind of odd, isn't it? Why would God—who hates divorce—give instructions on how to do it? Well, it's this very question that become a matter of huge debate in the Jewish community. What did Moses, and of course, God mean in Deuteronomy 24? Over time, a couple of different schools of thought emerged. There was the school of Shammai who thought the key word in Deuteronomy 24:1 was "indecent." They believed that God commanded, or at the very least permitted divorce in the case of adultery. But, there was another school of thought—the school called Hillel. The Hillel school thought the key word was not "indecent" but "something." They believed that what God was saying in Deuteronomy 24:1 was that if a man found anything at all about his wife he didn't like, he could divorce her. In fact, some of the rabbis of the Hillel school said that even something as trivial as a wife burning her husband's dinner one night by accident could in fact be cause for divorce! There were other thoughts on the matter. Another rabbi—a contemporary of Jesus— emphasized the word "displeasing" in Deut 24:1. He thought that it meant a man could divorce his wife if he found another woman who he thought was better looking than his current wife.

Now, we can laugh at some of these arguments, but in fact, this was a huge debate among the rabbis. And in fact, Jesus Himself, in the Gospel of Mark is confronted by the Pharisees who try to draw Him in to this ancient debate. That's what's happening in the next verse I've given you from Mark 10. "Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" That's the Hillel school's position. "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." They try to draw Jesus in to the debate, but He answers what God's answer has always been—that divorce is never God's intention. But now look at this—they then ask the big question: "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." They ask, why did Moses command divorce? Jesus says he didn't command it, he permitted it because of your sin. Moses and God never sanctioned divorce. But rules were established to control the widespread destruction of marriages.

And did you notice the rule? This is very important for developing a Biblical understanding of divorce. God never desires divorce. But in His word, He does permit divorce to occur in two specific situations. The first is the case of adultery. We need to talk about this because in our day and age, adultery is a sin that has been trivialized. We don't even call it adultery anymore. We call it "fooling around" or having "an affair." Well, let me just come right out and say it—if you are married and having a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse—you are not fooling around. Fooling around is going to the local park and throwing a football around. Sex with someone other than your spouse is sin. And it needs to stop! And if you're not there yet, but you're dangerously close, you need to stop. I don't say this in judgment. I say this in love and concern.

God permits divorce in one other situation—and that's malicious desertion. Look at I Corinthians 7. Paul writes, "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. . . But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances."

So that's it. God never desires divorce but He does permit it in the cases of adultery and desertion. And that's pretty narrow isn't it? A recent survey I read listed the three biggest causes of divorce in North America . Adultery and desertion didn't make the top three. (And by the way, neither did abuse). The top three were poor communication, unhappiness, and incompatibility or irreconcilable differences. But God says in His word, these are not legitimate reasons for divorce.

But that leaves us with a very big question doesn't it? What if people divorce anyway—for less than Biblical reasons? Well, let me say this first, what I'm about to say does not negate anything I've already said. What if someone has done divorced for less than biblical reasons? What if you have? And what if you feel the guilt and pain and sorrow and failure of divorce. What if you truly are sorry before God? What then?

I will tell you what I told a women who came to me, guilt laden, and said that very thing. I looked her right in the eye and I said to her: 'Listen to me! Upon this your confession, I by virtue of my office as a called and ordained servant of the word announce the grace of God to you. And in the stead and by the command of my Lord Jesus Christ, I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Jesus Christ died for all sins—even the sin of divorce—even willful divorce. The Bible says, if we confess our sins—no matter what they are—no matter how awful—no matter how willfully disobedient—God will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. That's exactly what Jesus Himself did, isn't it? We have a beautiful picture of forgiveness in the Bible. Remember the story of the woman caught in adultery? The Jewish leaders wanted to stone her—to put her to death, because that's what she deserved. But Jesus stopped it and said, "Woman, is no one left to condemn you? Neither do I condemn you!" If we are to be the church of Jesus Christ , we must continue to speak these words loudly and clearly to every repentant person. Christ Jesus does not condemn you and neither do we!

I’m not going to haul you up in front of the church every time you commit a sin, but I am going to expect that you take those sins—don’t trivialize them, don’t ignore them, don’t sweep them under the carpet—and confess them. Confess them to God so that when you do hear the sweet words of forgiveness they will be liberating and empowering.

Jesus not only said, "Neither do I condemn you." He also said, "Now, go and leave your life of sin." So, how do we do it? How do we divorce-proof a marriage? Well, let me say that if you are struggling with this personally right now, if you are contemplating divorce—you absolutely should sit down with someone or your pastor and talk over your situation. But, let me in closing just run through three critical things that I think apply to all married people. The first is "expect conflict." One of my favorite thoughts about divorce was spoken by Billy Graham's wife, Ruth. Ruth Graham was once asked, "Did you ever think about divorcing Billy?" And she responded saying four words: "Divorce? No! ….Murder? Yes!" The point is even the best of marriages involve two sinners and conflict can be expected. Point two is essential for dealing with it: "Let forgiveness and love rule in your marriage." The Bible tells us we are to forgive as the Lord forgave us. And that is especially critical in marriages. It means we are to forgive even when our spouse doesn't deserve it and we are to attach no strings to our forgiveness. The final point is: "Remember good marriages require sacrifice." No marriage will work for long if either partner is only concerned about his or her own interests. The Bible says "Wives, submit to your husbands"—put your husband's interests over your own. And it says, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her." Put your wife's interests above your own. Because when we do that—we show we belong to Christ—the one who loved us so much that He paid the ultimate sacrifice so that all our brokeness could be healed forever. Amen.

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